


How I Felt About Most Things.

by paperclxps



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:20:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24089533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperclxps/pseuds/paperclxps
Summary: "Koutaro, wanna try being engaged?"Bokuto sniffles and Akaashi looks up,"What the hell Jiji?"Akaashi tenses, surprised by Bokuto's reaction. Bokuto immediately notices this and laughs,"This is so lame of me. I was supposed to propose to you on your birthday! We'd be in Disneyland and you'll be eating caramel popcorn, and notice that I've disappeared and you get worried but BANG! I'm right behind you, down on one knee."
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	How I Felt About Most Things.

Akaashi has always been quiet.

Never one to make much noise, never one to let himself get overly attached to a sport, let alone a boy. But obviously, all that changed when he met one Bokuto Koutaro.

He remembers it clearly, the first time he saw Bokuto, and the first fleeting thought that the boy was a star. And maybe he was, as his golden eyes seem to prove his point.

High school was quite the emotional rollercoaster.

The first year, he had already known Bokuto for a bit. When he got introduced to the rest of the team, they warned him about how intense the 2nd year student can be. One thing was apparent though, and it was about Konoha who seemed the fondest of Bokuto, although he tries to say otherwise.

_"Akaashi, if you ever wanna get away from Bokuto, just tell me okay?"_

_He could tell that Konoha and Komi were joking around, as the former had one of the softest smiles when mentioning Bokuto, and Komi only laughed and retorted about Konoha "not trading with Akaashi". Akaashi ends up answering them seriously anyway._

_"Oh thank you, but I'm okay. It's actually rather fun to practice with a star player."_

_Konoha was taken aback from Akaashi's statement, but he only laughed and asked Akaashi if he was a "secret weirdo". But it was more than obvious that Konoha agreed with Akaashi's statement._

  
  


And though Bokuto had a lot of flaws, on and off the court, all of them seemed to be so endearing. Like the way a star would sometimes look like it's not even there. 

But then sometimes the star looks like it could brighten up the whole universe. And those times could be found whenever Bokuto has _that_ smile on his face.

The smile he possessed whenever a game was going great. The one he wears when the crowd cheers for him.

The smile he had whenever Akaashi would forget to eat his lunch, so he brings some Yakisoba pan and juice for Akaashi, and the younger would give the smallest smile. The one he would wear whenever Akaashi agrees to toss to him a bit more, even though they were both sore and tired.

It was never a single look, it was more of the affection just bursting from the smile.

It was a smile of pride, joy and…

_Adoration._

  
  


Before they knew it, it was already summer. They still had practice, so not much has changed. It was the last week of their vacation, so they were given more free time. Naturally, Bokuto still kept training, and Akaashi found himself joining.

_They've already left the court by 4 PM, and decided to just hang out. But it was already 6:30 PM and it was dark yet they still sat there, enjoying the silence._

_"Hmm… hey, Akaashi, how would you feel if a friend confessed their feelings to you?"_

_"That depends on who that friend is, Bokuto-san."_

_"What if it was me? What if I told you that I had like… romantic feelings for you?"_

_Akaashi only glanced at Bokuto from the side of his eyes, minimizing his movement. The latter had his eyes closed, his hands were fidgeting, something he didn't ever do before he got close to Akaashi. The former smiles and looks down, closing his eyes._

_"Well, then I would be very happy."_

_And Bokuto makes a small choking noise, which finally makes Akaashi look at him directly._

_"I like you, Bokuto-san."_

_"I love you, Akaashi."_

_"I love you too."_

And Akaashi found himself loving Bokuto for the first time. A love where Bokuto allowed him to be passionate, the same way Bokuto let him be a bit more passionate about volleyball. 

But time passed too soon, and then Bokuto was graduating. He decided to take sports management for college, as it was a short course. He was still planning on going pro on volleyball, but a backup plan was still necessary.

Maybe it was the pressure of their academics, maybe it was the way Bokuto has been avoiding Akaashi, maybe it was because Akaashi had always been a bit bad at giving Bokuto his much needed affection, maybe it was always bound to happen no matter what. Neither of them was sure, but there was one outcome both of them were expecting.

A break-up. 

And when Bokuto finally graduated, and Akaashi became busy with being the new captain, they broke things off quietly. No long _"I'm sorry's"_ , no cliché _"it's not you, it's me"_. So maybe that's why Akaashi thought it hurt more.

Maybe it had hurt more than he expected because even if there was the foolish hope they were holding on to that they'd get back together someday, neither of them still tried to fight the inevitable bitterness.

_"Keiji, let's end things. We're both busy with our own things now… and I want to emotionally mature before we continue whatever we have. Maybe one day we'll meet again, and we can start anew?"_

_"Mhmm. Thank you for the 2 years, Koutaro-san."_

Akaashi thought he had loved Bokuto for the last time. Bokuto walked away from the cherry blossom tree they shared their first kiss under, with a diploma in his hands.

  
  


They still talked, but it wasn't the same as before. Calls were cut short, even more frequently once Akaashi entered college as well. 

So when they finally saw each other again, Akaashi couldn't help the little gasp he let out. 

Of course, he expected Bokuto to have gotten bigger, as after graduating he finally went pro. He just couldn't really process how a 23-year-old could have such… muscles.

_"I thought we only had like, what, less than 2 years of an age gap! How…"_ , Akaashi's thoughts were cut off, as Bokuto hugged him, asking the younger if he had seen Bokuto's line shot. It reminded him of high school.

And of course, Akaashi is only a pining fool. Even though he was already 21, he felt like he was back to being 16, wishing that Bokuto's sunny eyes could come back to the galaxies which were Akaashi's eyes. He finds himself finally loving Bokuto for the second time. 

However, life is unfair. Because 3 years later, in the peak of Bokuto's career, when they've finally gotten back together, the world gets turned upside down, and it throws Bokuto off in the worst way possible. 

_"Mr Bokuto, I'm sorry to say this but… you have stage 2 leukaemia. Specifically, CLL. The symptoms have been manifesting for a while now, unfortunately for you, some of the symptoms we're mixed up as side effects from you playing sports. We can discuss treatment plans for some other time. I'll give you a moment."_

_Akaashi's heart breaks, and his hands were shaking when he reaches out to Bokuto. Neither of them made any noise, the loudness of the hallway outside getting muffled by the closed door and the humming of the AC. When Akaashi finally touches Bokuto, the latter breaks._

_It wasn't like the crocodile tears he'd have whenever he struggled in court. It wasn't just teary eyes and pouting lips begging for cuddles. They were whole broken sobs, and he couldn't stop._

_Akaashi pulls Bokuto's head to his chest. He let Bokuto grip onto his left hand, whilst his right hand was on the back of Bokuto's head._

_Bokuto was still sobbing when Akaashi's strong and quiet facade finally broke. He couldn't say anything and only whispered "Koutaro" as if it was a mantra of some sorts that will make everything better._

_The sun was collapsing right before the universe's very eyes._

Even though it broke Bokuto to pieces, he was never the type to give up. So he tells the world that he will just pause his life from volleyball for a bit, and his loving fans flooded his phone with constant support. 

At some point, Kenma suggested that they started vlogging, just to get the mind off of things. It was going great, and comments and posts about them (yes, Akaashi included) were all the sweetest. 

And then there were ones that obviously meant well, but still never sat right with Akaashi. 

The comments were usually just fans waxing poetic about how love was like a cancer. Saying shit like "even though it hurts, you still can't help but to be hopeful".

While they were right, Akaashi couldn't have disagreed more. Love was definitely not like a cancer. 

Because love didn't make Bokuto all weak and pale, as if he doesn't go out anymore. (Well, Bokuto actually couldn't go out much anyways, but that never stopped him from dragging his raven haired boyfriend to go outside.) 

Love didn't make Bokuto want to lock up in their room all by himself just because he didn't want Akaashi to see how much of a crying mess he was. 

Love didn't make Bokuto wake up with new bruises that came out of nowhere. 

Love didn't make Akaashi fear that one day, he'll wake up to Bokuto limp in his arms. 

Love hurts, sure, but it doesn't hurt as much as having to see your first best friend, your first, second, and last love, _your sunshine_ break into a teary-eyed mess, because he's afraid that one day, he'll never see your smile again.

So while Bokuto's everything hurts, Akaashi makes sure to never let go of Bokuto's hand. Even when Bokuto has to get a new tube inserted through the veins on the back of his hand, and Akaashi has to look away because he hates those, he still doesn't let go, even if he's only holding on to Bokuto's pinky.

_" Keiji… if I don't make it out of here…"_

_"Koutaro…"_

_"Ah! Hahaha, I totally said that like I'm a hero from an action movie."_

_Bokuto laughs weakly, just as weak as his smile. And even though Akaashi could feel the same goofy and warm things he felt back then, he could still sense his boyfriend's tiredness._

_"Mhmm… maybe you could be."_

_"Right? Ah, but anyways… if I don't make it out of here—"_

_"You will."_

_"If I don't… I want you to be happy, okay? Don't be all mopey and sad. You can totally date other dudes too! Maybe I'll tell Tsum-Tsum to give you Myaa-sam's number. You'll totally get along! The dude loves onigiris as much as you do. Ah? Maybe you already know him though. Wait, is he even single? Y'know I think Konoha's still single..."_

_Akaashi's heart felt all heavy from Bokuto's rant. Sure, it hurt that Bokuto was willing to give him away to Osamu or Konoha, but what hurt more was Bokuto sounded like he was giving up. It hurt that while he was insisting that his star will live and shine brightly, the star itself is accepting its fate. Its... death._

_"Koutaro… thank you for your concern but I'll date whoever I want to date. And I only want to date you."_

_"But Keiji…"_

_"No buts. I'll date you 'til we're 130. Maybe we can even get married if Japan finally lets us. Or we can even go out of the country for that."_

_Bokuto smiles once again, more tired yet somehow more affectionate._

_"But right now… if you can come back home with me… if you can grin and laugh like you used to… that'll be more than enough."_

_And Akaashi takes Bokuto's hand and holds it with both of his, determined to buy a ring for the both of them as soon as possible._

And days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. His custom rings were finally done. They were simplistic ones, really. Bokuto's ring had a gunmetal blue line in the middle, and the gem was the colour of his eye. And Akaashi had the reversed one, gold-honey strip with a blue-ish gem. In both of them, a small star was carved inside.

But when Akaashi went back to the hospital room to give Bokuto the ring, Bokuto seemed a bit too pale. His mother was tearing up beside him, and Akaashi could only stare out of shock.

_"Keiji, glad you're on time. I have to go now, take care of my Koutaro for me, okay?"_

_"Mom! Come on don't say things like that to my boyfriend.", Bokuto chuckles, immediately tired from the small action. Akaashi only nods to the woman, before sitting on Bokuto's bed._

_"Boyfriend huh… Koutaro, do you want to be something more than that?"_

_Bokuto moves his arm slowly, an invitation for Akaashi to lie down beside him. Akaashi doesn't rush Bokuto, so he waits._

_"What kind of question is that? Of course, I'd love to."_

_Akaashi pulls the box out of his jacket before lying down. He lets Bokuto open it, who seemed to be using 70℅ of his energy for the small action._

_"Koutaro, wanna try being engaged?"_

_Bokuto sniffles and Akaashi looks up,_

_"What the hell Jiji?"_

_Akaashi tenses, surprised by Bokuto's reaction. Bokuto immediately notices this and laughs,_

_"This is so lame of me. I was supposed to propose to you on your birthday! We'd be in Disneyland and you'll be eating caramel popcorn, and notice that I've disappeared and you get worried but BANG! I'm right behind you, down on one knee."_

_Akaashi tears up, and covers his eyes, laughing at the thought. He could imagine it, the people suddenly making way for them. The way Bokuto would probably have some silly Mickey Mouse ears on, grinning widely._

_"We can still do that. After this."_

_Bokuto takes Akaashi's left hand and puts the ring on him. He displayed their left hands together, admiring the rings._

_"Mhmm. After this."_

  
  


When Bokuto's case worsens and he reaches stage 4, he decides to leave the hospital. Everyone, including Akaashi, insisted that he stayed inside the hospital. Bokuto only brushed them off, insisting that he should at least enjoy his last months.

Surprisingly, Akaashi was the last one to agree to this. Bokuto jokes that Akaashi is just kicking him out, but Akaashi ends up crying. 

He comforted Akaashi, giving it his all when hugging because he knows that his hugs weren't the same as before. He was thinner and his body was a bit colder. He didn't have the same muscles he had before. Akaashi persuades him that his hugs were still just as great.

After a few weeks of being home, he's barely moving from his bed. Akaashi brings out a box and sets it on the foot of the bed. He kissed Bokuto's forehead and helped him sit up.

_"Jiji, what's that?", Bokuto whispered, his energy not really allowing him to be excited._

_Akaashi doesn't talk, and he only dumps out the contents of the box near his legs._

_In it, there was the case for Akaashi's high school diploma, a keychain that used to match with Bokuto's, photobooth pictures from when he and Akaashi were dating in high school, sticky notes with Bokuto's little "I love you's" and other domestic reminders, love letters from birthdays, valentines day's, and Christmases that accompanied small gifts that were given from each occasion, and a tiny notebook that looked like it has seen better days._

_Akaashi picks up the pictures whilst Bokuto goes for the notebook, as it was the only one he doesn't remember seeing much in high school._

_There, in its most vulnerable state, were pages upon pages of Akaashi's poetry. There were unfinished ones and ones that seemed like they should be in a published book._

_And Bokuto lets out a sigh of a laugh because of course, Akaashi would have a poetry book where he just waxes poetic about his love life. Because Akaashi was a 16-year-old literature nerd who was oh-so in love with the captain of his volleyball team. Of course, Akaashi was like that, because it was the many things that made Bokuto fall in love with Akaashi so fucking hard._

_They spend the afternoon in bed, the raven haired boy only standing up to grab water and fruits for his fiancé. Neither of them talked much, and they watched the sunset from their window._

They fell asleep under the same sun, but only Akaashi woke up to the moonlight. It was 2 AM and Bokuto was awfully quiet, not in the same way they were quiet that afternoon.

So he sits there, nuzzling his face on Bokuto's unmoving chest and crying his heart out. All of Bokuto was now silent. Even his heart. And as much as he didn't want to move, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand beside Bokuto so he could call 911. He unlocks it only for it to be open on the camera app, an unfamiliar picture on the image preview icon. 

He opens it, and it's a selfie of Bokuto and him. Akaashi was already asleep at this point. It was dark, and the picture was a bit blurred. He swipes it to see if there was anything else, and was greeted by a video.

_It starts with the camera awkwardly close to Akaashi's face, with Bokuto giggling in the background._

_"Look at how cute you are. I love you so much, Jiji."_

_He finally fixes the camera on the nightstand, resting it on the lamp so that his side profile could be seen. He barely glances at it, as he was looking at Akaashi._

_"Hi, guys. Welcome to the last vlog haha. Keiji would be mad if he heard me say that, but I can already feel it. This is totally the last. So, I'll try to keep it short and simple._

_To mom, thank you so much for being patient with me. Don't worry about me, mom. I can finally be with dad again. Please take care of Keiji for me ok?_

_To Kuroo, bro! Sorry for not being able to go to your wedding. But man, I'm so excited for you. You really went to Canada just to get married to Kenma huh? Take care of each other bros, and hey… take care of Keiji too, please?_

_To the Black Jackals, y'all are doing great! I'm kinda disappointed that I never got to be the team captain, but I'm sure you guys will do great even without me. I'm so proud of you guys. Oh and hey, Tsum-Tsum! Introduce Keiji to Osamu, okay? Haha, I'm kidding. Well, sort of. I think they'd get along, but give Keiji some time, okay? And lots of onigiris._

_To my supporters, you guys have been great. I love you all so much. Thank you for everything. But hey, please remember that Keiji, Akaashi, isn't as public as me, okay? Even though the world deserves to know him, give him space. Please don't invade his privacy."_

_Bokuto pauses. He glances at the phone, and back at Akaashi. He takes the phone and holds it, in an awkward position from his lap. Even though it looks weird, it was still clear that Bokuto was choosing to look at Akaashi instead of the camera._

_"To my Keiji, my universe. My love, my light, my… fuck, I'm not as poetic as you haha… Keiji… I don't really want to go… I wanna stay here with you. I want us to have so more much adventures. I want you to see me play again. Jiji… I'm so scared. But I'm also so tired. I love you. I love you so much. Take care of yourself, okay? Promise me that you'll continue to be happy. That you'll live up to 130 for me._

_Keiji… I love you…"_

_Bokuto sounded so tired. So broken. He kissed Akaashi's cheek and turned the camera off._

And by the time Akaashi had snapped out of his thoughts, he had replayed the video at least 20 times already and he found himself crying his heart out more in their living room. Bokuto's body had already been escorted out. He held the phone close to his chest, unable to call his friends and family to tell them about Bokuto.

His heart breaks and he's all alone, as the sun rises before him. 

_"I love you too, Koutaro."_

**Author's Note:**

> hsjsjs this was my first time ever publishing a fic. sorry if it's a bit confusing but i hope you guys liked it♡ tell me what you think on my twt: @akaacakes


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